To all of people who have been hurt by me, I am sorry
I know I have been hurt a lot of people. But I have no idea what’s going on inside my brain, my thought, my head. I don’t know. You can judge me, but you don’t know how it’s like to fight with my own self. It’s like a loud sound keep spinning around inside my head, I have screamed STOP, but it never stop. I am tired of trying to hold things that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what I do.
I try to find what happen; I don’t want to hurt a lot of people again. Maybe there is just one way, if I turn myself alone, keep silent, or like don’t want to speak with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t care but I try to keep reminding my thought do not think too far. I don’t want to be pleased or anything, I just want to say sorry to all of my friends that have been hurt by me, ugly me.
I have been read the article about Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), I’m not trying to relate with it, you can judge me, and you can say I am too over or I am too excessive. Whatever, but I am the one who feel this, not you. Once again, I don’t want to be pleased or anything, I just want to say sorry to all of my friends that have been hurt by me. Sorry.
BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one’s appearance.
They can’t control their negative thoughts and don’t believe people who tell them that they look fine. Their thoughts may cause severe emotional distress and interfere with their daily functioning. They may miss work or school, avoid social situations and isolate themselves, even from family and friends, because they fear others will notice their flaws.
The causes of BDD are unclear, but certain biological and environmental factors may contribute to its development, including genetic predisposition, neurobiological factors such as malfunctioning of serotonin in the brain, personality traits, and life experiences.
People with BDD commonly also suffer from the anxiety disorders obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or social anxiety disorder, as well as depression and eating disorders.
BDD can also be misdiagnosed as one of these disorders because they share similar symptoms. The intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors exhibited in BDD are similar to the obsessions and compulsions of OCD. And avoiding social situations is similar to the behavior of some people with social anxiety disorder.
I have tried to control my self, but it’s never work. Even one little thing, it can spin around in my head all over over and over again. Like yesterday, I cannot stop blaming my self of all my mistakes, like I have been hurt a lot of people. All I can do was crying, you don’t know how it feels like cry in the motorcycle for 2 hours, I cried and screamed yuriza tolol yuriza bodo ugly me. Until now those feelings still spin on my head. I just want to say sorry for everything. Sorry. Its all my mistake, blaming me.
Yan Prayoga happy birthdaaay, just ignore my pillow face and panda eyes, I wish you the best of the best things in life, just like you have given me the best days of my life. Wish you the best and wonderful Birthday amiiiiin
I just write something in my holiday..
I am going to introduce to my little family, hermawan’s family :)
Soo here we go..
it begin on January 5th 1992
1. Tatang Hermawan
Born at Bandung, may 24th 1961. Now he is a government officer that works as headmaster in junior high school in my hometown. He is the best dad in the world. He can be my teacher, my adviser, my friend, everything. Sometimes he applies some strict rule in home that we even understand it, but I know it for better us, for our discipline. And my dad can be a crispy comedian in home, there’s a time when we sit together and sharing something then he said something that we think its not funny at all, he laugh for himself and we just show our flat face and crispy laugh :D. and in home he can be “our food residue”, yah when we eat and we didn’t finished it, my dad will finished :D, but his digestive system going faster, you know he can go to the toilet 4 times in a day in normal condition. So maybe that’s why my dad has small body, his height is just 160cm while his weight is 50kg. My dad is best person to share my education, my task, even issues in our education lately. He is the type of cool man, and sometimes when people that don’t know him well will say he is fierce. I know he didn’t show his love directly, but I know he has his own way to show his love. And I do love my dad.
2. Nina Nihayah
Born on 27 March 1965 in purwakarta. Now she work in family foundation as a treasurer in MA Al-Muthohhar. She is the strongest mom. It’s long and sad story. My mom got an accident, she was fall into the floor and hospitalized as long 1 month. I didn’t understand, the incident occurred so fast, the head was bang on the floor and suddenly she convulsive seizures and then unconscious. Its my hard moment, its happened in ramadhan 2010. There were some doctors that judged my mom, first doctor said she got stroke, second doctor said she got cancer in her brain, third doctor said she got “penyumbatan vein” bcs of her blood is frozen. And all the doctor said we have to beware of bad things that happen next. My mom stayed unconsciousness in HCU room 2 weeks after miracle comes to us. She wake up, but a half of her body can’t move. I believed in Allah, Allah love my mom so much. By the time she can move her body after get some therapy. You know how the feeling eat sahur in hospital; I didn’t even want to eat, cant sleep well, cant eat well. I should go back purwakarta-bandung to take care my sister and my brother while dad stayed in hospital. Even my little sister can’t see my mom in hospital bcs its forbidden for child under age come into HCU room. After all last doctor was right, my mom has type of blood that can frozen fast. So until now my mom still eats a lot of medicine even though I see her health enough. After 1 year, the effect still occurred, at least in one month my mom would collapse and convulsive seizures. Its make me trauma when I come home and hear some “brak” sound. It is the hardest moment in my life ever. But Allah never leave me alone, Allah answer my pray, our prays, Alhamdulillah Allahuakbar, and now I can say the miracle is exist for those are who ask and believe in Allah.
And now? My mom is can do many things as used to do before she got collapse, she can run, cook, go to market, count money well (bcs she is treasure), aand there 1 hobby that appear after all this happen is she likes travelling, go to the new place, breath a fresh air which is good for her healthy. I do love my mom, she is the strongest mom in the world.
If I tell about my mom, it’ll never finished, a lot of story that I can tell..
O ya, my mom got “mal praktek” when she was child, one day her ear was cleaned by my mom’s sister but suddenly her ear was bleeding and my grandpa took her to the hospital but doctor said it should do a surgery, after all the surgery was failed and mom’s right ear didn’t work properly, so that’s why when you come to my home there’s some noisy :p but she has tool that can help her in hearing some sound, when I ask my mom to do second surgery, she answer “its better to spend the money for your education or go to mekkah”, its touched mom :’) I love you
3. Yuriza Keumala
you know me, born in purwakarta October 30th 1992. First daughter, has a brother and a sister. Now study in UPI take IPSE major. Overthinking, I can stay all night to think “what if” and “what should have” things, introvert maybe, not confident and little bit insecure. But its me, I love my self, I love being me.
4. Muhammad ihsan kamil
Born on 17 July 1997 in purwakarta, now he is study in first grade in senior high school. He is teenager now, he has lot of acne in her face, his voice become bigger, and he becomes little bit shy when we ask about girl haha. The most embarrassed thing is he cant ride motorcycle, poor you!. Oya in my family we have our own nickname, like ihsan become cacan, he used to call cacan until he study in senior high school he said “don’t call me cacan anymore!”, it doesn’t work at home but in school he called kamil, uuuuh disgusting haha. He is thin with black skin, his weight is 42kg and height 157cm, I have swim with him, and its scare to see his bone appear in the black skin hiii. But I do love him, my partner in bullying my sister.
Born on 2 August 2002 in purwakarta, now she is study in fifth grade in elementary school. You know what is her dream? Become a part of girlband and get some fat. Haha. She always complained about her weight, she feel ashamed when her friend is taller and fatter than her. Her weight is 20kg and her height 127cm. we used to call him mahol. Oya she didn’t like take photo but she like dancing and drawing, you know she can hv a lot of imagination when she draw. In home she is the most bullying person. With me she always sharing everything, sing together, laugh together and sleep together. I do love my little sister so much.
He is new comer in my home. I don’t know how old he is and I don’t care actually. I like cat but I didn’t like holding the cat, its little bit scary. I try to like and hold cat bcs someone in my past like animal very much, but now just be my self, I like animal and I have my own way to express my like, and if someone ask me to take care of animal, I rather to choose fish :p. just intermezzo :D. tom has black fur, and he is lazy cat that I ever meet. He can sleep all day and wake up just to eat, and he can sleep anywhere even in my dad desk that full of book. But when tom come to my home it change everything, my dad talking to tom like he is talking to his grand son, you can imagine it, he also has nickname for calling tom is “katom”. My sister (tom mom) also changed, we should called her “mamanya kucing” and you know when she was on holiday she text my mom just to ask “mah si tom kabur ga? Jgn lupa dikasih makan ya mah, si cici (tom girlfriend, village cat who pregnant now) juga” zzzzz…
Eventhough my home always noisy, but wherever I go I always feeling homesick, there’s no place like my home, I just wanna go home..