what are your feelings now?
22.00 saturday night in my new room
i hv been living in my new room since august 14th, and still cant belivin that now everything has changed, i hv been working in darul hikam as a maths teacher, and alhamdulillah i can passed the test, i know my parents were soo happy about that. but me? yes of course i am happy, but still there is tiny piece in my heart isnt ready about this new responsibility. everything has changed, yes of course. start from my daily schedule that suddenly full of teaching preparation, then like its hard to find free time for anything else even to do my research revision, go to campus, hanging out with friends, laughing and sharing everything. now i kinda miss that moments, when everything seems so easy. i write this doesnt mean like i am not happy being teacher, but its like some part of my self against it. maybe i am not ready yet, i am not ready yet for always showing my good side in front of my students, bcs as a teacher we should become a good example for the students, but here i am, i’m just human i’m not perfect. Ms mhel, my supervisor said that when you become a teacher, first year is not easy. And she is right, my first year isnt easy too, everynight i prepared for teaching in next day, my schedule is full, i get 24 hours in a week for teaching secondary 1 and 2 students, then every night ba’da isya start from 7-9 pm i should teach students in dorm, and once in two weeks i should teach secondary 3 preparing UN test every saturday. Sometimes i just grumble it out loud, but i remember someone said that “jadikan lelah kita menjadi lillah karena Allah”, then I read “Dan Katakanlah: Bekerjalah kamu, maka Allah dan Rasul-Nya serta orang-orang mukmin akan melihat pekerjaanmu itu, dan kamu akan dikembalikan kepada (Allah) Yang Mengetahui akan yang ghaib dan yang nyata, lalu diberitakan-Nya kepada kamu apa yang telah kamu kerjakan.” (QS At Taubah 105)” insyaAllah I’m on my way to become better person on Allah way, Alhamdulillah I can work in Darul Hikam, school that bring me near into Allah way, so I will do my best to teach my students so that they can reach their dreams, amiinn
To all of people who have been hurt by me, I am sorry
I know I have been hurt a lot of people. But I have no idea what’s going on inside my brain, my thought, my head. I don’t know. You can judge me, but you don’t know how it’s like to fight with my own self. It’s like a loud sound keep spinning around inside my head, I have screamed STOP, but it never stop. I am tired of trying to hold things that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what I do.
I try to find what happen; I don’t want to hurt a lot of people again. Maybe there is just one way, if I turn myself alone, keep silent, or like don’t want to speak with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t care but I try to keep reminding my thought do not think too far. I don’t want to be pleased or anything, I just want to say sorry to all of my friends that have been hurt by me, ugly me.
I have been read the article about Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), I’m not trying to relate with it, you can judge me, and you can say I am too over or I am too excessive. Whatever, but I am the one who feel this, not you. Once again, I don’t want to be pleased or anything, I just want to say sorry to all of my friends that have been hurt by me. Sorry.
BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one’s appearance.
They can’t control their negative thoughts and don’t believe people who tell them that they look fine. Their thoughts may cause severe emotional distress and interfere with their daily functioning. They may miss work or school, avoid social situations and isolate themselves, even from family and friends, because they fear others will notice their flaws.
The causes of BDD are unclear, but certain biological and environmental factors may contribute to its development, including genetic predisposition, neurobiological factors such as malfunctioning of serotonin in the brain, personality traits, and life experiences.
People with BDD commonly also suffer from the anxiety disorders obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or social anxiety disorder, as well as depression and eating disorders.
BDD can also be misdiagnosed as one of these disorders because they share similar symptoms. The intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors exhibited in BDD are similar to the obsessions and compulsions of OCD. And avoiding social situations is similar to the behavior of some people with social anxiety disorder.
I have tried to control my self, but it’s never work. Even one little thing, it can spin around in my head all over over and over again. Like yesterday, I cannot stop blaming my self of all my mistakes, like I have been hurt a lot of people. All I can do was crying, you don’t know how it feels like cry in the motorcycle for 2 hours, I cried and screamed yuriza tolol yuriza bodo ugly me. Until now those feelings still spin on my head. I just want to say sorry for everything. Sorry. Its all my mistake, blaming me.
Yan Prayoga happy birthdaaay, just ignore my pillow face and panda eyes, I wish you the best of the best things in life, just like you have given me the best days of my life. Wish you the best and wonderful Birthday amiiiiin